Winter of Discontent

Now is the period of of exam unstress. The time about 6-8 weeks before exams where I have mountains of work, many assignments due and not one iota of motivation in my body.

I usually wake up about a week or maybe even a few days later from this exam freeze and then snap into what passes for high studying gear for me.

And the damn weather doesn't help. Getting colder and colder now, after an unseasonally warm autumn. It's finally too cold to sit around in only one layer of clothing.

'Now is the winter of our discontent...'Richard III Act one Sc one.

Thought this was particularly appropriate given the mood and the weather. Plus Melbourne really is so many shades of gray that seem to mirror gloomy moods perfectly.

I think one of the things I miss the most is really the sensation of being hugged. I get hugged so rarely here. At home, I relish the sensation of being hugged by my mother, my close friends and of course, by him.

There is something about having arms around you and another body close to you that makes one feel at once comforted and loved. Even the superficial hugs I used to get from not so close friends had the capacity to introduce an element of sincerity into an otherwise shallow relationship.

For someone who tends to draw lines very firmly around her personal space, hugs are a way of breaching the boundaries that would otherwise never be let down. It says' welcome' in a way that mere words of greeting cannot.

Here, when ever I face something new or when I've had a particularly tiring or bad day. I long for a hug. When I first came here, it took awhile to get used to the fact that I knew so few people here. I used to scan the crowds at school for a familiar face. I would watch people in school greet each other with hugs and a cheery greeting and I would secretly envy them.

I used the past tense in all this when I really should have used the present. Nothing has changed after all. I am still not close enough to people in school to do the whole social ritual of physical affection although things have shifted for the better in church.

I remember a few weeks ago when a friend I knew from church hugged me when I got there. I was surprised and more than a little touched. Even if it was during the prescribed few minutes when one was supposed to be welcoming people into church, even if she was going around hugging all her friends. My first hug in melbourne and my first hug since I left home in february.

Nothing is ever like the hugs I get from him of course. I remember every tiny sensation of hugging him, from the smell to the bones of his shoulders over mine to the toe curling sensation of his breath in my ear. The nicest were when he used to come up behind me in parties or gatherings and hold me from behind.

Generally speaking though, I could never bring myself to hug certain people. Not because they were repulsive, but because some relationships just do not allow this element into their matrix and trying to force it in would result in awkward embarrassment.

I face 8 more weeks before I get home. 8 weeks of cold and work filled humdrum days to get through before stepping off the plane into familiar arms.