The city of loneliness
I think its time to come clean. For the past week, I've been sitting around doing nothing while my workload has accumulated to terrifying proportions.
The exams are less than a month away. A 3000 word research paper is due within a week. I am behind in readings.
I have started preparing for neither of these ordeals. I have not even properly read or understood the research paper question yet.
Instead I've been wandering the city like a lost soul,( and indeed I might well be a lost soul given my uncertain spiritual beliefs) sitting in quiet cafes staring into space and imbibing massive amounts of chocolate and desserts.
In the meantime, my non friends have attended a sleepover, gone shopping, eaten several meals together in happy camaraderie.
I sometimes wish I had a mirror to watch my face all the time, everytime. What is it about me that manages to shut people out so easily? Why is it I always find out about outings/meals/etc after the fact rather than before? I know people who join groups later than I do and yet have managed to successfully manoeuvred themselves into the centre of things where I have, as always, stayed on the fringes. Instead of participating in groups and doing terribly social things, I ended up alone at home reading Lord of the Flies by William Golding which frankly didn't improve my mood much. ( It was an eye opener though)
Reading is in itself a solitary activity. Sometimes I feel frightened by the fact that I take so much joy in being alone in my room reading. There has to be something wrong with someone so flagrantly and defiantly antisocial. ( Am so tempted to quote Donne on men and islands here)
The thought depressed me so much I felt immobilised by it. So much that I didn't want to go anywhere on Saturday and Sunday and now I don't even feel like going to school tomorrow.
"I shall despair. There is no creature loves me;
And if I die, no soul shall pity me:" Richard III Act 5 Sc 3
I know Richard was a despised murderer and all, but there is something to be said about words that ring so true to the soul even after several hundred years.
I'm not someone who absolutely needs to be with people all the time, but as a person and human being, I need more companionship than my books.( Also I want to watch Kingdom of Heaven and those wretched people watched it without me when they knew I wanted to watch it)
I must get out more. Unfortunately, this week is now cooked cos I have to rush through my Constitutional Law research essay.
I don't think I'll get a chance to watch Kingdom of Heaven. *sob*
For now I'll just go eat some worms.
The exams are less than a month away. A 3000 word research paper is due within a week. I am behind in readings.
I have started preparing for neither of these ordeals. I have not even properly read or understood the research paper question yet.
Instead I've been wandering the city like a lost soul,( and indeed I might well be a lost soul given my uncertain spiritual beliefs) sitting in quiet cafes staring into space and imbibing massive amounts of chocolate and desserts.
In the meantime, my non friends have attended a sleepover, gone shopping, eaten several meals together in happy camaraderie.
I sometimes wish I had a mirror to watch my face all the time, everytime. What is it about me that manages to shut people out so easily? Why is it I always find out about outings/meals/etc after the fact rather than before? I know people who join groups later than I do and yet have managed to successfully manoeuvred themselves into the centre of things where I have, as always, stayed on the fringes. Instead of participating in groups and doing terribly social things, I ended up alone at home reading Lord of the Flies by William Golding which frankly didn't improve my mood much. ( It was an eye opener though)
Reading is in itself a solitary activity. Sometimes I feel frightened by the fact that I take so much joy in being alone in my room reading. There has to be something wrong with someone so flagrantly and defiantly antisocial. ( Am so tempted to quote Donne on men and islands here)
The thought depressed me so much I felt immobilised by it. So much that I didn't want to go anywhere on Saturday and Sunday and now I don't even feel like going to school tomorrow.
"I shall despair. There is no creature loves me;
And if I die, no soul shall pity me:" Richard III Act 5 Sc 3
I know Richard was a despised murderer and all, but there is something to be said about words that ring so true to the soul even after several hundred years.
I'm not someone who absolutely needs to be with people all the time, but as a person and human being, I need more companionship than my books.( Also I want to watch Kingdom of Heaven and those wretched people watched it without me when they knew I wanted to watch it)
I must get out more. Unfortunately, this week is now cooked cos I have to rush through my Constitutional Law research essay.
I don't think I'll get a chance to watch Kingdom of Heaven. *sob*
For now I'll just go eat some worms.
posted by adinahaes at 4:13 AM
4 Comments:
Hey girl, sorry to hear things aren't going well. I empathise with the feeling of being left out - perhaps you just have to assert yourself -even- more...
Ah well, if all else, you can watch Kingdom of Heaven yourself, afterall, watching a movie is a fairly anti-social act.
Er,... and I guess the best I can offer is, call me whenever ok? Hang in there and all the best with the work...
what kinda worms are you eating?
i'm having gummy ones from 'the natural confectionary co.'!
i am a loner too, and occasionally feel slighted when others go out without calling me along. and yeah, i know what you mean about liking to read and all, but also wishing to go out with friends.
maybe you just need to get out more. and be the one to ask someone out on activities. that helps, sometimes. :)
hahaha
yeah the natural confectionary ones are nice. they don't the slight aftertaste that some other brands have.
yeah i know i should ask people out more....
life sucks as a law student
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